Fully emerged, full circle: “I AM.”

Everything the Power of the World does is done in a circle. The sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. The moon does the same, and even both are round. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing and always come back where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. – Black Elk, Oglala Sioux

I have come full circle. In almost exactly one year, I’ve lost myself only to find a wonderful new version of me. Dove to the depths of my being, and slowly, painfully confronted the darkness that has enveloped my light. One challenging, yet conscious step at a time, I climbed up the dark well of my own making. Now, I can truly say I have fully emerged: gloriously, lovingly, graciously, and with the utmost respect and gratitude for the Divine, the Supreme Being, the Universe for guiding me in this journey. Now, I AM.

This blog has been a witness to my journey, and to close the circle, I wish to share what I have discovered and experienced in the “tail end” of this particular chapter in my life. There were a lot of lessons and insights from the whole journey, but the most significant, that eventually “capped” the process were about Resistance and Attachment.

A few days ago, it finally dawned on me — not only in an intellectual capacity but experiential and perhaps spiritual — that I was still in resistance and still in need of release from my attachments. All my life, I have been resisting the loving guidance of the Universe, which was apparently anchored on my attachment to events (or regrets) in the past and to expectations of the future. It was difficult to welcome possibilities, and completely trust the present moment when I was always looking back or looking far ahead. All this time, I have carried the pains, fears, doubts and worries that I experienced in childhood and allowed these to influence the way I lived my life. Alternately, and probably intimately connected to my past, I was always running towards the future. Maybe to escape my past, I have been impatiently pursuing a future wherein all my regrets will be replaced by accomplishments. It seemed as though I was always picking up bits and pieces of these regrets and kept building them around me until I couldn’t see beyond the wall of self-created darkness. The only way out was to dismantle all these bits and pieces, one at a time, leaving “no stone unturned”.

As a child, like everyone else, all I ever needed and wanted was love — to be nurtured, cared for, appreciated for who I am, mistakes and all. Instead, I experienced control, insecurity, punishment, envy, shame, guilt, which eventually contributed to a general feeling of unworthiness. I was not worthy of what I desired for the most, of the simplest longing, of Love. I grew up looking for love and worth everywhere, beyond my home. Everything I ever did was probably tainted with this need. There was a hole inside me that kept growing, making me more needy and more hungry for love and sense of worth. This desire created another destructive energy: anger. I was angry at my parents, my family, my friends, my society — the educational system, the government, the rich who hoards, the weak who can’t fight their battles, the materialism, the poverty, the world. Most importantly, I was angry at myself. I was a rebel with and without a cause.

Being in a state of resistance my entire life, I had to find, recognize and “zap” every bit of resisting energy in myself. This was not easy, I lived and breathed resistance for almost 33 years, it’s like trying to figure out what is me and what is not me within me.

Now, I have realized that resistance, is anything and everything that creates a negative feeling, a tightness, a block in my breathing and creates all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind (often manifested as headache).

I understood this process when I was raising funds for my study, as I consciously observed every little thing I did on a daily basis. I kept planning, strategizing and entertaining ideas that I know would only make things more difficult for me, or create more problems in the future instead of completely trusting and allowing the Universe to guide me. I did not seem to believe, despite the interesting opportunities I experienced in my recent past, that the Universe wanted only the best for me, and what my heart desires. Beneath this resistance is my attachment to doing things my way, fear of failures, doubts in the future, doubts in my personal power and the Universe’s guidance.

Concretely, this insight came after the realization that I had gotten attached to studying this year, even though I applied last year without expecting anything, just to follow an inner guidance. My still healing ego wrapped itself around the idea, got impatient and focused too much on the results and the perceived success of this endeavor. I kept asking the Universe, “what’s the next step?” but I wasn’t listening or I could only hear the answer that I wanted to hear. Then, it happened. My heart finally opened up and truly listened. The Universe had answered my prayer long before. The answer was to accept what I had resisted all my life, my parents’ love — and to understand the meaning behind their “help”, which until that point I interpreted as criticism and control. This was deeply connected to my resistance to self-love, to self-care and perhaps to true independence and freedom.

In this entire journey, I have found healing, I am now whole. I have come full circle with almost all of my issues — relationships, finances, family, work, purpose, attitude. I have embraced my shadows and darkness with love and light.  I now meditate and pray to the Universe about everything, with every step I take. I release my fears, doubts and worries to the Universe, seek guidance before I do anything and thank the Universe in every possible moment. It has always been a simple process that I have somehow complicated. It’s as simple as breathing, release and allow, breathe in and breathe out. A full circle. Just as I AM.

Now, I’m off to write my first book (yes!), a new play or two and prepare for the next amazing chapter in this journey called LIFE.

Saranggola ni Pepe: Flying high!

The commemoration of Jose Rizal’s 15oth birthday was a huge success! The rain could not stop the entire country from celebrating June 19 in honor of this historical, radical and mystical being. His birthday was even celebrated in several countries. I went to Calamba (Rizal’s hometown) with my only Filipiniana attire, the one that I wore for my longtime friend’s wedding (I was emcee for her wedding, and I was one of those given a gown…thanks Jane!) which garnered me a spot on the Celyo Rizal’s float for the historical parade. A huge thanks to “Apo” and Kataastaasang Babaylan Reyna Yolanda Liban Manalo for this wonderful opportunity and for the multiple celebrations I got to participate in. Not to forget, the wisdom that I am fortunate to receive through never-ending conversations, rituals and experiences with “them” and the Celyo Rizal community. All very, very interesting. I even got filmed by a TV news crew that featured the group. How historical can it get!

Another important lesson that I’ve recently learned, I will not go further into this for now, but I can say that deep in my heart, I truly accept that a fellow Filipino such as Jose Rizal, is of Divine origin…because as man is made in the image and likeness of God, so is he…and most importantly, so are we. As Christ, the Buddha, Mohammad and all other prophets had their purpose in their time, so did Rizal (again, I will post more about this soon, but not now).

Looking closely at Rizal’s life inspired me to look at myself and my life in the same way. For what was it that he aspired for then? That we, his fellow Filipinos liberate ourselves from the enslavement that we had suffered. Free ourselves from the limitations that the colonial mind imposed on us and see our greatness just as we now see Rizal’s greatness. Authentic empowerment, the same vision I am striving for today.

I know that there was a purpose for me when I went to Calamba and celebrated our National Hero’s 150th anniversary in his hometown. Besides the fact that I was there — June 19, 2011 — to be part of an historic moment in our country’s life, there was a message for me.

The message that I am a Filipino, it’s time to truly embrace it. I am part of a blessed, “magical” and truly amazing race. A brown (golden) race that has weathered more than 300 years of colonial rule, pummeled regularly by natural and man-made disasters yet continues to thrive as a people and always blessed with the most abundant of natural resources. I live in a tiny land with tiny people, who have big hearts and big dreams with a mission that is as important as Frodo’s from Lord of the Rings. A mission we shall all recognize in due time, rather, in just a short while.  Meanwhile keep your eyes and ears open, listen to your heart’s desires and follow your purpose.

As for me, a significant aspect of my mission was clarified (or even “polished”) this past weekend. I am Pepe’s kite, flying high towards my big dreams but deeply anchored in this land with my people. I may roam free and fly wherever the wind takes me but like Pepe, like Jose Rizal I will always come home and share all that I’ve learned, my gifts, my visions, my passions, my Self with my fellow Filipinos and with my Inang Bayan. I shall fly free, fly proud, fly as high as a Filipino can…just like Pepe, just like the Divine Jose Rizal.

Eat to Live! (based on my personal journey to health)

I recently got together with two football (soccer) clubmates who needed advice on weight loss. We had a wonderful conversation, they felt good and energized by what I shared and I felt equally encouraged (or reminded) to continue what I’ve been doing. It really goes to show that the teacher-student relation is never unidirectional — when you empower others they also empower you. After our chat, I also told them that I’d be sending an email of what we’ve discussed, a first of a series of “reminders” that will aid in their journeys to health. I wrote this a week or so ago and came across it again. Then, I felt like, hmmm…might be good to share this with more people. So, here it goes…

For every choice you make, choose the healthy choice as much as you can. Get to know your body, get to know yourself, get to know everything about you. Then…love your body, love yourself, love everything about you. Not just as a concept, but as your reality.

1. Morning Routine

Wake up, Pee, Drink water, Exercise (at least 20 to 30mins everyday with varying degrees of difficulty), Eat breakfast (most important meal) and Take a bath (to rid your body of the toxins of the previous day/ night).

Before taking your breakfast, you can drink a glass of water with calamansi (just 1-2 pieces, depending on what you feel comfortable with, no sugar).

A good morning routine can spell the difference between a “bad” day and a good day. If you start your day feeling light, refreshed, energized and ready for whatever lies ahead then you’re setting up a day that can work for you instead of against you.

2. Meal Portions

Eat like a Queen/ King during Breakfast (or the first meal you take).

Healthy snack (Fruits and Nuts, choose those with less sugar and less salt or keep away from those that are too sweet or too salty).

Eat like a Prince/ Princess during Lunch (or the meal you take in the middle of your day).

Another healthy snack in between.

Eat like a Pauper/ Beggar in the evening.

3. One Step at a Time.

The pace by which you do the changes in your life (lifestyle) will be determined by you. You may go at it determined, focused and highly committed –that’s great — but make sure that you’re taking everything “in stride”, as relaxed as you can, working towards your goals one at a time.

You can incorporate one healthy habit at a time, or replace negative ones at a time. Remember, you had years to create the life you live now, and the body you have now so don’t be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself the patience and kindness you need to create a new and better life (and a new and healthier body).

Start by replacing the “white” and processed (canned, preserved, “junk”) food with natural/ organic and “whole” foods. Or lessening your intake of “fast foods” (gradually decreasing over time).

4. Find Joy and Happiness in everything you do.

Choose healthy meals you love. All you need to do is to replace certain aspects of those meals with healthier alternatives/ options.

Choose exercises that are fun for you. Don’t do stuff that can add to your burden, or to your negative thinking.

Support your health and your happiness as much as you can and you’ll realize, your life will change slowly….but surely.

Keep focusing on the present moment, on what you can choose to do and create in your life. Let the vision of yourself and goals you’ve set for yourself be your guide, but remain focused and committed on each step that you take to get there.

Rest when you need to. Pause or Stop if that’s what your body, soul and spirit need. Release all guilt, shame, pain and struggle. Live life! Don’t let every moment pass without feeling alive! ;p

5. Find supportive people and create the environment that will support your health and happiness.

We have been given two special powers as human beings, the power to create and the power to choose. If your life doesn’t allow you the freedom you need to express your best self, then remember: you always have a choice, you always have a chance to create anew. We are all powerful. The only thing that can hinder us from expressing our powers — our negative thinking and fears.

If the people you surround yourself with aren’t helping you create the life you want, you can engage or enlist their support or find people who will. Again, you have a choice.

Always focus on what makes you Happy and the Universe will support You!

Just keep going, you can do it.

PS. If you are reading this and want to do this or share this to more people — go ahead! And don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

This journey to health has been greatly inspired by two of my friends, who also served as my “health” mentors (and introduced me to USANA, a company with integrity that changed my perspective on True Health). A big shout out and thanks to them: Liza Pascal and Ayan Rivera! Much love and gratitude to you (including Luna) for everything!

An Invitation to Wholeness

Wholeness. Integration. Coming together.

That was the message for me today. An opportunity and invitation to see that we are indeed perfect as we are, individually and collectively. If we suspend any judgment about ourselves and others, we open our eyes, minds and hearts to the truth — that there really is no right or wrong, only contexts and perspectives. What one may see, think, feel or experience is different or similar to what others see, think, feel or experience, but in the end all of those create that undefinable whole.

“There are no spare parts in the Universe.”

I’ve heard that many times but the experience of a small group of people that I had a chance of being with, communed with earlier reminded me that indeed our contributions great or small create the substance of the entire intangible and tangible world we all live in. However we choose to move in the world is our choice, our piece of that collective puzzle. Learning to respect ourselves and each other is key to allow the wholeness to emerge. Honoring ourselves, each other, and the spaces in between will lead to the transformation and healing that we all seek.

And it all happens within us and among us.

I see you. I respect you. I honor you. As I honor myself, respect myself, see myself. In ways I know how, in ways you know how. Always anchored in love, coming from deep within our hearts.

Alongside one another, we open an invitation to wholeness that includes all of us, the earth, the wind, the sun, the moon…and the spaces in between, tangible and intangible, seen and unseen.

Then we lift up the intentions we carry in our hearts to that whole and know that all our wishes, hopes, desires and visions are good as done, nurtured, waiting only to manifest before our very eyes.

Freedom and Responsibility

What if we all know that we can create whatever we want? Or that we can always choose the life that we want to live? In fact…whatever is in our reality right now is what we’ve chosen. The life we are living. The world we are all in.

You’ll probably look around you, look back at this post, look at yourself and tell me…NO, THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT. Then…what is it? What do you want? If you can create your world, what would it be like?

Yes, going deep within, recalling how I lived my life and being conscious of my thoughts, my words and actions everyday…I believe that we are all innately free. Limitations are those that we’ve set upon ourselves. The more we break free from these limitations, the more we expand, and the more we have the power to choose and create. But because of this great freedom, we suffer so much fear. This is where all of our pain, struggle and drama come from. We are free but we are living in fear.

What are we going to do with this great freedom? What are we going to create? What are we going to choose? Can’t others just choose for us? What if we fail? What if we can’t handle it? What if we succeed? It can’t be, why should we be granted so much freedom?

Because we are human beings, made in the image and likeness of God, the Divine, the Supreme Being, Bathala…we have the same powers. The problem is that we aren’t really aware of it, or we haven’t accepted that we are. Those who have an idea or have realized that…maybe, we are…have to go through the whole “We can’t be, we’re not worth it” drama.

Ok. So let’s say that you who are reading this, like me has accepted that I am entirely free to choose and create what I want. And, yes, I’ve figured out what I really want –happiness, bliss, service, abundance (let’s say that this is a detailed vision in our minds, hearts and even on paper). What is the next step?

Focus on Love. Choose Love. Create Love. Acknowledge, recognize and embrace the fear (or fears) that come(s) up…then choose and create Love. Yes, this one is tough. The toughest step yet. We’ve been so used to being controlled or in control, loved “conditionally” or love ourselves (and others) with conditions that we might get lost and give up. All our issues will rise to the surface. But this is also where the shift happens, in our hearts. When we choose and create from the heart…we will be able to manifest in our reality what we truly want, the life we dream of.

Another aspect of this freedom is responsibility. Can we be conscious of everything we create and choose…and be responsible at the same time? This means, for example, if we are choosing happiness and creating happiness…can we be responsible with this happiness? Or if we are going to choose abundance and create abundance…can we be responsible with the abundance that we manifested?

You see, the world we currently live in is also proof that we are not aware of our responsibility. We created and chose fear, and look around, we’ve sown so much fear. Did we take responsibility? We created and chose lies, doubts, apathy and powerlessness…did we take responsibility?

What if we start embracing both our freedom and responsibility? And choose and create only love? Try it for yourself. Imagine, feel, act.

I am continuously and consciously exercising this freedom and responsibility in my life at this time. There are moments when I’d rather give up, overwhelmed with fear. Then I remind myself to choose love. And, when I choose love…patience, compassion, hope, peace, trust…they all follow. Then I am also reminded to do things one at a a time, to be gentle with myself, nurturing whatever I choose and create. It’s the same with planting a tree, or taking care of a newborn. Well, I guess, since I’ve also just “given birth to myself”…I am a newborn. Hence, this need to truly take care of the new life that I hope to create for myself.

Why don’t you come journey with me? Embrace your own freedom and responsibility.

Choose LOVE…always, all ways.

It’s good to be reminded that choosing love over fear is what we’re here on earth for, what the spiritual journey is really about. If we see beyond the shadow, beyond the illusion of fear and find love in ourselves and in everything that we do, then we are consciously moving on the path to mastery.

Of course, easy to say, harder to do.

For every act, thought, word that we release into the world…are we always in a loving space? Check for yourself. Just for this day, go back to how you talked to yourself. What did you say to yourself this morning, lunch time, this afternoon or right before you read this post? What did you eat? Was it what your body needs, or wants? How did you communicate to other people? What did you think about them? Or what did you think about yourself? Try to notice these things for a few days and see if you are in a loving space most of the time, or even half of the time.

I struggle with this everyday. Maybe less than last year, but I still do. Every little self-talk or inner dialogue with myself, I have to stop and consciously remind myself — oops, that wasn’t coming from a place of love…! It’s easier to say loving things to other people than be loving to ourselves (but, loving another when you do not love yourself…is not really possible, at least that’s how I experienced it and that’s how I understand it now). And, it seems more “natural”, or maybe more convenient to blame ourselves, be negative about our lives, and prevent ourselves from doing things that will make us happy. It’s easy to react with fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, and pain than to choose love, hope, happiness, peace, light, and bliss. Again, it’s not easy, and it takes much courage to choose love always and all ways.

But, when you feel and see the difference it makes in your life…it gets easier and more joyous! Life becomes an opportunity, an exciting journey…an adventure that just keeps getting better and better. So, here’s to our adventures into love and our journeys as divine beings! Enjoy every moment, always, all ways!

Ako ay Pilipino, Taas Noo kahit Kanino

"Apo", embodied in Kataastaasang Babaylan Reyna Yolanda Liban Manalo; photo by Louise Far

Sa pagbabalik ko mula sa mahigit isang linggong kapiling ang Apo doon sa Cagayan Valley, marami akong naunawaan tungkol sa sarili at lalo na tungkol sa buhay. Ang pinakamahalagang baon ko, ang pagmamahal at pagtangkilik sa lupang aking sinilangan.

Kakaiba rin ang bulong ng tadhana nang ako’y tumungo roon. Ang tanging sadya ko ay mabuksan at tuluyang mapakawalan ang aking karma. At pagkat ito lamang ang pakay, ninais kong pumisan doon sa loob lamang ng tatlo o apat na araw. Ngunit, may ibang planong nakalaan para sa akin. Dumating ang aking buwanang dalaw, dahilan upang di mapahintulutang lumapit sa Apo (sapagkat ito ay nakakaapekto sa kanya) at di rin mapabuksan ang aklat ng aking buhay. Sa simula ay yamot na yamot ako, di natuloy ang gusto kong mangyari. Maraming naglaro sa aking isipan, at nagpupumiglas ang damdamin. Maya-maya’y nagkaroon ng liwanag, pinakinggan ang tila mahinang bulong na unti-unting lumakas. Ano nga ba ang sanhi ng pagmamadali ko? Naisaayos ko naman ang mga naiwang gawain, at madali namang iayon ang anumang mga naitakdang plano ayon sa nagbabagong ihip ng hangin. Ilang saglit pa at gumaan ang aking pakiramdam. Tama. Ako ay mananatili sa piling ni Apo hanggang sa lumipas at lumisang muli ang buwanang bisita ko. Angkop rin naman sapagkat ang mga inimbitahan kong estudyante mula sa UP na nais magsaliksik ukol sa Dr. Jose Rizal ay maaari ko na ring hintayin at masamahan.

Ang buong linggong paglagi ko sa Cagayan ay mapayapa, simple, masaya, at nagpatibay sa aking paniniwala sa kahusayan ng lahing Pilipino. Bagamat ilang araw ko lamang nakausap ang Apo, ang mga butil ng kaalaman ay aking napulot mula sa mga bagong kaibigang bahagi ng komunidad ng Celyo Rizal, sa mga kabataan, sa mga hayop at halamang naroon, at higit sa lahat sa mensaheng pinarating ni Amang Araw, Inang Lupa, Amang Hangin at Inang Tubig. At sa loob ng tatlong araw na nakausap ko pa ang Apo, aba, talaga namang siksik, liglig at umaapaw ang kaalaman at karunungang ngayo’y aking tunay na nauunawaan.

Sa mahabang mga usapan at sa libo-libong butil ng kaalaman at karunungan, na tila mga butil ng palay o butil ng buhangin sa dami, isa ang naging napakatingkad para sa akin — ang pagibig sa tinubuang lupa — ang malalim na pagunawa sa aking sarili bilang isang Pilipino, at ang di mapantayang pagmamahal sa ating lahing maharlika.

Nakakatawang, nakakatuwang kausap si Apo, sapagkat ganito ko rin talaga kausap ang sansinukuban (universe), o ganito ko nakikinitang kausapin ang diyos na aking pinaniniwalaan. Yun bang puno ng pagmamahal at pagunawa sa kanyang mga anak, walang galit bagkus nariyan upang magbigay gabay o patnubay, pagpapala, biyaya at pagkalinga. Yun nga lang, di ko naisip o nahinuha na kakausapin niya ako sa sariling wika, haaay ang sarap pala nang pakiramdam na dito napiling pumisan ng diyos, sa piling nating mga Pilipino. Yun nga lang, sa dami ng drama natin sa sarili, sa buhay, sa mga “nang-api” na mga mananakop, at kung anu-ano pa…di natin ito alintana. O siguro mangilan-ngilan sa atin ang nakakaalam at tumatanggap sa katotohanang ito. O, tulad ng sabi ni Apo, hindi pa lang ito ang panahon. Ngunit malapit na malapit na ang nakatakdang muling paglutang ng Pilipinas, at ng Pilipino, mula sa dungis at putik na kinasadlakan nito.

Haay. Syempre, ayan at naiinip na naman ako. Ang hanging elemento ko ay nais lumipad, sumugod, umikot at pumalaot upang marating ang panahong binanggit ni Apo.  Nakakabagot na rin kasing hintaying makilala natin bilang mga Pilipino ang gintong pagkatao natin, ang tunay nating husay at galing. Manaka-naka, may magpapakitang-gilas sa atin, ngunit di magtatagal ay pilit nating ibaba kung sino man iyon, tulad ng patuloy nating pagbaba sa ating mga sarili.

Ako man ganyan sa aking sarili, paminsan-minsan. Iba kasi ang naging pagunawa natin sa saliting pagpapakumbaba e. Nabahiran ng kaisipang nakatali sa salitang “api”. Di natin kailangang ibaba ang sarili, di rin kailangang iangat. Sapat na maunawaan natin na ang lahing Pilipino ay tunay na maharlika, at ang Pilipinas ay lupang hinirang. Kapag naging malalim ang pagtanggap natin sa katotohanang ito, nagiging malinaw ang papel natin sa mundo, ang papel natin sa nakatakdang plano. Wala nang kailangang gawin kundi ang magpakatotoo sa kung sino tayo. Taas Noo. Kahit Kanino. Sapagkat tayo ay Pilipino.

Ang hiwaga ng ating lahi ay unti-unti nating mauunawaan sa paggulong ng mga oras, araw at buwan. Sa katunayan, pagsapit ng 2012, ang nakatakda para sa ating lahi ay mabibigyang katuparan.

Marami pa akong ibabahagi dito upang kahit paano ay maging gabay o kapulutan ng mga nagbabasa ng aral, hugutan ng lakas ng loob, o kuwestiyunin na siyang magsisilbing daan para sa mas malalim na pagkilala sa sarili at lahi. Yan ang mas mainam. Ang simulang tahakin ang landas pabalik sa kung sino at ano tayo bilang mga Pilipino.

Taas Noo. Kahit Kanino. Pagkat tayo ay Pilipino. Ako ay Pilipino.

I am GAS-SENG! (my ancient name)

  I am still amazed at how my journey is going. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle, where one piece is necessarily linked and most of the time leads to the next. Well, it’s probably that way ever since, or that’s probably how it was designed. Or maybe that was how I co-designed it before I went back to earth, when I was still in the spiritual world, planning with the rest of the spirits and divine beings there. It’s just funny how I never really saw it that way before, or I was not aware of it and was only able to see things more clearly and more consciously now. What do I mean?

Well, let’s start with my last blog (which is the usual way I start, because like this blog, my life seems to be a continuation of where I was before…and again, that’s probably “life 101″, right?). Anyway, in my last entry, I said that my journey has led me to the emergence of the healer in me. And voila! I get to meet one of the most important healers of this time, probably even beyond what we know of the word “healer”, here in the Philippines. She is embodied in the personality of Kataastaasang Babaylan (High Priestess) Yolanda Liban Manalo, of the group or community Celyo Rizal (one of the many Rizalista groups in the country). I guess, when you open doors, you really have to be prepared to go through the doorway and find more doors to open…if you so choose. Then the door (with whatever lesson is there for you to learn) shows up exactly at the time that you need it and when you are ready for it. How much you learn from that lesson, again is entirely up to you and how open or ready you are. Boy, this time around…I was open and ready!

In Kataastaasang Babaylan Yolanda Liban Manalo, I somehow found myself (or a version of myself that I was yet to rediscover) and a lot of my deep questions (even those that were not articulated in words) got answered. It was as if I had encountered a Divine Being of the highest order, who truly, totally know who I am. She spoke of deep truths that resonated with my whole being, past-present-future, across time and space, all at once. What was really magnificent was that she spoke in the language of my motherland and spoke intelligently, humorously, truthfully…no pretensions, no hidden lies (which I have the gift for knowing, given an “internal barometer” that I was born with, as an Indigo). Woah…ok, now what is an Indigo? Well, I don’t want to go on about being an Indigo here, that’s for another blog entry I guess. But, you can easily find out online, just enter the words Indigo Child, Indigo Adults, Indigo Phenomenon, etc.

Back to my encounter with the KB…you see, I had been reading articles by the “new age” people, and I keep resonating with them (I actually consider myself “new age” too, although I don’t agree with the term new age because we are in the new age, that term has got to evolve, or maybe it has and I have yet to find out what it evolved into) but now I was granted an opportunity to be with someone who understood me, completely. She knew what I know deep within and of course, she knows even beyond, and knows not just about me but about other people (and nature, other beings, ancient truths) as well.

She spoke about my past karma, a trauma in one of my past lives that has had an impact and effect on how I live my life at present. She was spot on. Exactly! I’m not too comfortable sharing it here though, so…I won’t. Then she gave me an exercise on how to start releasing that karma. I’ve done it most of the time, of course I’d forget once in a while, but I felt a huge difference. I felt lighter, like I lost a lot of baggage and burden. Plus, knowing about it already made a huge difference. I can see how it plays into my life, into my drama.

And, the most significant gift she gave me (and the rest of the people who were part of our group) was my ancient name: Gas-Seng. This is of course a translation because it was written in ancient script. What it means is Spark, or like a Key. She said that it means a wayshower, a precursor, someone who starts something or opens something so that others can follow. Woah…YES, THAT’S ME ALRIGHT! I’ve always seen my path as lonely, and myself as misunderstood. I keep wanting to do stuff that seem quite farfetched, or even advanced for what is currently in my reality. Given this knowledge, given my ancient name, it all fell into place. The puzzle that is my self has finally found completion. Of course with room for expansion and growth. But, after knowing my ancient name, I felt this deep sense of peace, serenity, and love. I am Gas-Seng! I embrace myself fully…ancient-present-futuristic me!

Another interesting piece of information the KB shared (after rediscovering my ancient name, which was apparently part of my name or inherent in my name) was that I have a twin, embodied in male form in this lifetime. My theory is that because my name is a two-part name, that’s why. Haha. Just my theory. I have yet to ask the KB again. But, this was a true “aha” moment for me. I’ve always felt that something or someone was missing in my life. And, early on it was translated in a sort of “knight in shining armor”, “someday my prince will come” notion of that other. Then, as I grew older, specifically in the recent years, I realized that I was looking for a spiritual companion-spiritual colleague-best friend-partner who I will be with in this life to understand my purpose and path…the lover aspect, a bonus. I also have this deep knowing that I will know for sure who this person is and that we will start walking together (still walking our individual paths, but in partnership)…this year. A very exciting meeting indeed!

In the short amount of time I got to be with the KB, I felt I moved so far along on my path. And I can’t wait to go back and experience so much again the next time I meet her. In fact, she invited me back so that we (or she) can release the rest of my karma in order for me to move or glide onward to my life’s purpose! Yey! And of course, you’ll read more when that happens…pretty soon!

If you are interested to have the same experience and get to know our very own Kataastaasang Babaylan Yolanda Liban Manalo…don’t hesitate to comment here or send me a message. I tell you, being with her (if you are open and ready) is life-changing. And, as I embrace my current name and my ancient name…that means I open the door for other people to follow. So…if that’s you…just knock and I’ll lead you to her. Because, it’s time for all of us to embrace who we are.

Photo courtesy of: Louise Far and Contemporary Corporeality Dance Residency

the Emerging Healer in Me

Last year, between April and May, during the Emerge! International Training for Cultural Creatives that I co-organized with some young people, I had a glimpse of a “different” and “amazingly powerful” me. One that seems to be who I really am, but not yet. An emerging, future possibility. It was the most wonderful experience to have  been given that opportunity, to see what one can BE (or maybe one was already but hidden through layers of shadows and darkness).

Equally amazing was the chance to be in communion with people, who at that time also seem to be encountering their own emerging selves.

Going back into our “daily lives”, into our “ordinary selves” was shocking. In fact, after the experience I went straight into depression. After experiencing “heaven on earth”, I went and dove into oblivion, the abyss, rock bottom or “hell”…of my own making. The easiest thing to do was to succumb to the darkness and stay there. The most challenging was to find the light within and to open one’s heart to love oneself.

Staying with the process, I realized that I have been truly blessed. My journey towards healing has allowed for the emergence of the healer in me, the me that I encountered as a future possibility. Slowly, lovingly I am becoming who I was meant to be.

In the recent days, in constant dialogue with the Universe, I have been shown various avenues for continuous healing — for myself, and others as well. I see now that everything I’ve done in my life was leading me to this path, for this very purpose. The integration of my past and future is becoming clear in my present reality. Healing and empowering myself and others, using all my gifts (talents and skills), is my unique contribution to the world.

Moving towards my 33rd year come September, I am ready to be a vessel to help co-create heaven on earth, to bridge Spirit and Matter, to walk the Jesus path. The trials that were “thrown at me” in the past couple of months helped strengthen me as a willing, open and loving vessel.

The healer in me grows stronger as I continue to believe in myself and love myself. Doubts and fears are accepted, embraced and then released. Focused and open, strong and vulnerable, trusting and loving…I walk consciously on to create the life I am meant to live: blissful and purpose-driven.

Inner Journey: the next phase

Just as 2010 was bidding us all goodbye, I felt my journey coming to an end…or detouring to a new beginning. I’ve stepped into a new space, a wonderful world that seemed to open up inside me. It is filled with light, love and tremendous peace. I’ve never been to this “place”, although I have longed for it my whole life. Yet, at the same time, it is all too familiar. It feels like home.

When one gets to this space, this Sacred Space, you find that you don’t even have to think about what to do with your outer world. You don’t even have to think, period. You have complete trust in what you feel. You know that it can only get better…and better. The old ways of doing things just fall away. My inner journey took me from autumn to winter and now it’s spring. I have given birth to a new me.

What does the new me look like? I still have no idea. If I did, then I’d just be rummaging from my old set of identities. And, honestly, they’re all worn-out. I love recycling, but I know when to give up something that does not fit anymore. The best clue is when you’re getting suffocated and uncomfortable, or when you feel limited by the lack of options. It’s not been easy for me in the past, especially for someone like me who suffers from “attachment syndrome” (this is my own diagnosis, although I know there are sufferers out there like me). I get deeply, crazily attached to things that give me a sense of meaning, worth and love. Of course, when you lack these things, or fail to see these qualities in yourself, you have a great need to find it in other people and in material stuff.

Anyway, I do know that the new me is still human. And I will have bits and pieces of my old identities, just like a baby getting his/her DNA, genes and characteristics from his/her parents. I also know that I’m going to be a different kind of human, listening more to my heart, my soul and my intuition (which is really my way of communicating with the Universe); moving into the world coming from a place of light and love. This time with the inner strength and love that I continue to cultivate and nurture.

So, what is the next phase? From light to more light. A light that will be shared to others. From this inner spring…to summer! Now, what would that look like? I still don’t know, but I am truly excited.