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Healing Journal

Hulyo 7, 2010

Writing for me has been a healing activity. Especially journaling: writing my thoughts and emotions. It’s a form of release, at the same time you get to see your thoughts, or your self-talks and you get to step back. And sometimes, or most of the time, you realize what’s pulling you down –that in itself is healing, to acknowledge that it’s there and you are thinking those thoughts, and feeling those emotions.

Today, what’s pulling me down is what I call “visa trauma”. I wrote and collaborated on a play for PETA entitled Pasaporte about 4 or 5 years back. It was about the desire of Filipinos to migrate, the journey from getting a passport, to applying for a visa. And, like most of us, the characters get rejected by the American Embassy. The experience of both of my characters have been my own personal experience when I applied for a visa, twice, 2 years back. The experience in itself was traumatic, and to see yourself in the shoes of the characters you’ve written before is something else. Let alone going through the process with the lowest self-esteem…deadly combination. Then getting help from a lawyer, that doesn’t fly as well, because how could I even think of leaving the country in the middle of a political campaign for somebody I truly believed in and wanted to fully support. So, here I am again getting closer to another visa application process, fortunately for me not as “harsh” as the US embassy, or so they say.

And as the dreaded day draws near, a lot of my drama get triggered. I find myself wanting to forget about it, or getting so “anal” that I have to make sure everything’s perfect, or that everything will “pass the test”…although in reality it’s not as ok as I would want it to be. So, I tell myself, “come on, what’s up, really??” And digging deep down, I rediscover pain, anger, frustration, and sadness. Loads of them. At this point, I guess I am not ready to share them publicly, too raw. Maybe I will after d-day. It helps to be able to recognize the feelings, and the thoughts that feed them, and of course to be able to share these with close friends.

One more small step towards healing, for now.

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