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Fully emerged, full circle: “I AM.”

Agosto 27, 2011

Everything the Power of the World does is done in a circle. The sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. The moon does the same, and even both are round. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing and always come back where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. – Black Elk, Oglala Sioux

I have come full circle. In almost exactly one year, I’ve lost myself only to find a wonderful new version of me. Dove to the depths of my being, and slowly, painfully confronted the darkness that has enveloped my light. One challenging, yet conscious step at a time, I climbed up the dark well of my own making. Now, I can truly say I have fully emerged: gloriously, lovingly, graciously, and with the utmost respect and gratitude for the Divine, the Supreme Being, the Universe for guiding me in this journey. Now, I AM.

This blog has been a witness to my journey, and to close the circle, I wish to share what I have discovered and experienced in the “tail end” of this particular chapter in my life. There were a lot of lessons and insights from the whole journey, but the most significant, that eventually “capped” the process were about Resistance and Attachment.

A few days ago, it finally dawned on me — not only in an intellectual capacity but experiential and perhaps spiritual — that I was still in resistance and still in need of release from my attachments. All my life, I have been resisting the loving guidance of the Universe, which was apparently anchored on my attachment to events (or regrets) in the past and to expectations of the future. It was difficult to welcome possibilities, and completely trust the present moment when I was always looking back or looking far ahead. All this time, I have carried the pains, fears, doubts and worries that I experienced in childhood and allowed these to influence the way I lived my life. Alternately, and probably intimately connected to my past, I was always running towards the future. Maybe to escape my past, I have been impatiently pursuing a future wherein all my regrets will be replaced by accomplishments. It seemed as though I was always picking up bits and pieces of these regrets and kept building them around me until I couldn’t see beyond the wall of self-created darkness. The only way out was to dismantle all these bits and pieces, one at a time, leaving “no stone unturned”.

As a child, like everyone else, all I ever needed and wanted was love — to be nurtured, cared for, appreciated for who I am, mistakes and all. Instead, I experienced control, insecurity, punishment, envy, shame, guilt, which eventually contributed to a general feeling of unworthiness. I was not worthy of what I desired for the most, of the simplest longing, of Love. I grew up looking for love and worth everywhere, beyond my home. Everything I ever did was probably tainted with this need. There was a hole inside me that kept growing, making me more needy and more hungry for love and sense of worth. This desire created another destructive energy: anger. I was angry at my parents, my family, my friends, my society — the educational system, the government, the rich who hoards, the weak who can’t fight their battles, the materialism, the poverty, the world. Most importantly, I was angry at myself. I was a rebel with and without a cause.

Being in a state of resistance my entire life, I had to find, recognize and “zap” every bit of resisting energy in myself. This was not easy, I lived and breathed resistance for almost 33 years, it’s like trying to figure out what is me and what is not me within me.

Now, I have realized that resistance, is anything and everything that creates a negative feeling, a tightness, a block in my breathing and creates all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind (often manifested as headache).

I understood this process when I was raising funds for my study, as I consciously observed every little thing I did on a daily basis. I kept planning, strategizing and entertaining ideas that I know would only make things more difficult for me, or create more problems in the future instead of completely trusting and allowing the Universe to guide me. I did not seem to believe, despite the interesting opportunities I experienced in my recent past, that the Universe wanted only the best for me, and what my heart desires. Beneath this resistance is my attachment to doing things my way, fear of failures, doubts in the future, doubts in my personal power and the Universe’s guidance.

Concretely, this insight came after the realization that I had gotten attached to studying this year, even though I applied last year without expecting anything, just to follow an inner guidance. My still healing ego wrapped itself around the idea, got impatient and focused too much on the results and the perceived success of this endeavor. I kept asking the Universe, “what’s the next step?” but I wasn’t listening or I could only hear the answer that I wanted to hear. Then, it happened. My heart finally opened up and truly listened. The Universe had answered my prayer long before. The answer was to accept what I had resisted all my life, my parents’ love — and to understand the meaning behind their “help”, which until that point I interpreted as criticism and control. This was deeply connected to my resistance to self-love, to self-care and perhaps to true independence and freedom.

In this entire journey, I have found healing, I am now whole. I have come full circle with almost all of my issues — relationships, finances, family, work, purpose, attitude. I have embraced my shadows and darkness with love and light.  I now meditate and pray to the Universe about everything, with every step I take. I release my fears, doubts and worries to the Universe, seek guidance before I do anything and thank the Universe in every possible moment. It has always been a simple process that I have somehow complicated. It’s as simple as breathing, release and allow, breathe in and breathe out. A full circle. Just as I AM.

Now, I’m off to write my first book (yes!), a new play or two and prepare for the next amazing chapter in this journey called LIFE.

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