2013: Love Yourself, Trust Your Inner Guidance and Let Your Light Shine!
Obviously, I’ve got a lot of stuff to say after almost a year of silence. I do! So much has happened and life continues to amaze me. Well, first it scares and confuses me. Then, drives me crazy with all sorts of thoughts, worries, ideas, emotions and expectations that come my way. Ultimately, when I let go and just completely trust that I am going in the right direction – boom! – I find myself in paradise. Bliss! Or at least for a moment, then off I go again, in this never-ending journey. Life is full of surprises, I tell ya!
I was in Mozambique, southern part of Africa last year, thinking I’ll be there for a long time. After all, I went there to heal myself by healing the relationships with the two most important people in my life — my parents. I have read somewhere and fervently believed ever since that our “soul circle,” people who we’ve been learning lessons with during different lifetimes are those we find close to us in this life. That circle definitely includes our family members, I bet even our pets. This is why, we experience difficulties and struggles with our families. In fact, the hardest lessons seem to be connected with them. So, there I was bracing myself for a long and arduous healing process having just emerged from my deep, dark depression.
As it turned out, my parents decided to move back to the Philippines for good. Interestingly, that was right after I felt a real sense of healing between us happened. You see, I have always held on to the idea that my parents didn’t really love me, or they didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved. Mostly unconscious, I have struggled with their control (my mom) and emotional distance (my dad) by becoming rebellious, dependent and well, an ingrate.
In the span of 6 months, a lot of those ideas dissipated. I realized how much they loved me and my siblings. More than that, I realized how much parents love their children, unconditionally. Yes, they try to control us in so many ways. They have a hard time expressing themselves to us, and they don’t seem to know that it’s important for us to hear the words “I love you” often.
Before they left for Manila, I finally found and experienced the love from my parents that I’ve been shunning yet longing for all my life.
Of course, I have to clarify that the necessary doorway for me to recognize, accept and reciprocate their love was through Self Love. In the previous months leading up to that inevitable moment, I poured love – unconditional love – to myself. I gave my inner self everything I ever wanted and denied. I let go of control, and allowed myself to just be. I accepted all my flaws and forgave all my mistakes. I let go of my unworthiness and decided that I am going to be my biggest fan and my bestest friend and ally.
When my parents left me in Quelimane where I was working as a Grade 2 teacher (plus teaching Arts and Music, Swimming, Football and Computer), I still cried buckets of tears, wondering why I was still there and not going home with them. Does this mean I was healed? That I have achieved my purpose, healing our relationship? If that was the case, then, there was no need to stay, right? Apparently not. In the next months, I would learn yet again that the Universe works in mysterious ways.
To be honest, I wanted to stay because I gave my word that I would finish the school year. It was also an opportunity to learn real independence. Living on my own in another country without the family that I’ve leaned on for so long is a vital step towards true strength and selfhood. I also enjoyed the opportunity to teach values inside the classroom, Arts and Music, and Sports to children of various ages and backgrounds.
Yet, as I started worrying about legalities pertaining to my stay in Mozambique, I found myself wanting to go back to the Philippines. I also began seeing things in the school system that I did not like. The real deal-breaker however were my dreams of traveling; researching healing and empowering art forms; working with children and communities around the world and creating specific programs for them, especially those in vulnerable situations or those who have no access to creative education.
After my birthday in September, I decided that I am going back home in three months, when the school year ends. As life and the Universe would have it, I got a special surprise the following month when almost all of my travel documents were in order and I had made up my mind. LOVE. Romantic, giggly, life-changing love.
When we love ourselves enough, when we realize we are enough, the Universe sends you the “other”.
The one who doesn’t love you because he needs you. Or not the one who runs away from you when you are ready to spend this lifetime with him. Instead, you find your mirror, someone who loves himself enough to love you. Just as you love yourself enough to love him. This time, you don’t need drama and causing pain to the other is causing pain to yourself. There is only room for love in your heart. Although fears and worries still come, they remain in your head because your love finally is strong enough. He may leave, or you may change your mind and decide you’re just friends. No one is trying to control the other, or steer the course. You walk together in life, friendly, relating, supporting and loving one another.
Who would have thought I was ready for that? I certainly didn’t expect it then. When it came though, I knew it was the right one and it was the perfect time.
Naturally, I found myself in a dilemma. What about going back to the Philippines for good? Alright, I will just go home for a vacation and then return to Mozambique. Heart-wise, it was the best solution. Work-wise, an entirely different story. In the same way that I left the other school back in April, where I loved the students but abhorred the school’s system of education and treatment of children and teachers, going back to teach in the same setup would still be a compromise. Although, the second school was much better than the first one, I really felt that I wasn’t being true to myself and my passions.
After a blissful month of experiencing what it means to love and be loved, I was off to my much anticipated vacation to the Philippines. I eventually opted to return to Mozambique after the holidays, as I convinced myself that love would help me stick to an otherwise uncomfortable situation.
Arriving in the country during the Christmas break, and even until now, I realized that the drama I’ve had with my country — that sense of martyrdom mixed with idealism or perhaps karma that bonded me to the land and the people was gone. I did grow up and reached a new level of maturity, or maybe, I have truly healed my karmic wounds.
In January, as life would have it (with all the twists, bumps and turns in this journey), I should have been on my way to Mozambique but I got offloaded at the airport by the immigration officers. This was rather peculiar and frustrating, especially at that time. The immigration people were quite rude and they had this perceived authority over fellow Filipinos traveling abroad. Perhaps they were insecure and they saw their chance to show off, to have some sort of power over others. Whatever their reason, although I didn’t particularly get offended by them because I understood where they were coming from, it still threw me off. Wasting money, time and energy is very frustrating. Plus, the “douse of cold water” on plans to reunite with the beloved. However, there was an odd sense of relief, which eventually pointed to my glaring truth, or reminder: no more compromises, each and every step of the way. Creating one’s dreams into reality, in all aspects of life, requires uncompromising belief in our creative power; to fully trust ourselves, our intentions and capacities to do so.
Now, I take another step forward, toward my dreams. Dreams which include being with people I love, particularly my beloved; working with passion and purpose; and helping to create an amazing world of love, peace, hope and light.
I have learnt in my journey since 2010, when I plunged into that abyss, that whatever we see in our mind’s eye, we have the power to create. We have to be careful, though, and be very aware because that power is directly linked to our free will. We can create whatever we choose, sometimes we can create it with the speed of light, or well, as fast as digital technology nowadays. In fact most of our creations in the past have been unconscious and stemmed from varying degrees of fear and separation. It’s high time we reverse that. Luckily, we have another power at our disposal, the power to choose, to create out of love and not out of fear.
The task we have, as human beings in this day and age, is to choose how we want to live our lives. When we can clearly see that and put into practice all our highest intentions and aspirations, we will change the world as we know it, towards the world we dreamed of.
That is where I am headed, with like-minded, like-hearted people who I have met and now walk with, one empowered step at a time, every chance we get. I, rather WE, hope to see YOU there! It’s time to let our light shine and let it guide us to see the truth, that we are amazing and we can do amazing things!
I know that the best is yet to come, again and again. I trust in the Universe as I continue to listen and allow love to move me, everywhere I go. I might write more wonderful news in a few days time, a week, a month or even after another year. Experience tells me, it can only get better from here, but wisdom gained from that experience says it is better already! Where I am now (inner and outer space) is so much better than where I was before. Where we are now is so much better than where we were before. We have evolved, and we continue to evolve. For this, I am grateful, I am peaceful, I am healed, I am whole.
Thank you to all those who walk with me. Thank you dear Universe, angels, ascended masters, and all ye spiritual beings assisting us in our paths.