Awakening 2020: Seeing Clearly
My last post was in 2016…woah?!
Well, I guess this was more due to having social media accounts (riding on the fast and easy bandwagon) but later on realized that as a writer, this platform is still so much better. If you follow this blog, you may also visit my posts within my website: Conscious Heart Creations. Would appreciate it of course if you follow my blog posts there as well. Thank you!
Anyway, let’s get on with what I’m wanting to write at this moment.
Since I’ve began consciously following the spiritual path, there are many things that I have collected along the way. These are perspectives, observations, approaches, practices that somehow show up at exactly the right time, as if one step that guides me to keep moving forward and onward. My vision of a healed and empowered world evolves as each step appears. One big step on this path was discovering mindfulness and becoming a practitioner. As a practice, I experience life in a more vivid way and as I cultivate awareness, my innate capacities seem to be amplified.
Towards the end of 2018, I encountered Human Design. A Manifestor friend recommended it along with links to articles. She said, “I think it would be good to combine this with mindfulness.” A year after, I couldn’t agree more. Being a pure Generator, I read article after article during the Christmas break, which is the time I use to reenergize, reflect on the year that has been and prepare for the year that was coming. Inwardly, something about it clicked for me. Perhaps it’s my affinity with New Age, Indigenous Spirituality, or just how much I resonated with its deep messages about the human being. So, I immediately started my HD experiment.
I am not a difficult person to convince, as someone with an Open Ajna and Open Head, but I guess especially because of my intuitive knowing coupled with the ability to keenly observe what works and what does not work as I experience situations or life’s events. Over the course of the year, I’ve learned so many things about myself and my interactions with others and with the world, yet I’ve merely skimmed the surface! I’ve seen the effects of programming or of being influenced by others because of my open centers and how truly reliable my Strategy, Authority and Definitions were. In the span of a year, I’ve experienced greater understanding about what it means to live this life, and to be uniquely me — and be confident about it!
Ok, so what does all of that have to do with Awakening 2020 and Seeing Clearly?
Various indigenous cultures, new age circles (Age of Aquarius), even in writings of Rudolf Steiner (Spiritual Science), and other religions there are references to a great awakening. I also mention in my article sometime ago about Philippine prophecies, which refer to something akin to this awakening and the rise of the Filipino people. In Human Design, we are years away (by 2027) from moving to a new era: The Cross of the Sleeping Phoenix. All of these have one thing in common: humanity’s process of awakening to Spirit. As Steiner articulates it, humanity is moving into living spirituality.
Early on, prior to 2010, I’ve wondered why we seem to keep spiraling downwards as a collective –particularly in the Philippines– to what seems like a bottomless pit. Year after year, it seemed then that we’ve hit rock bottom but then the following year would somehow be worse than the previous.
As we stepped into 2020, the signs have never been clearer and we are being asked to really open our eyes to the world’s predicament and to our role as human beings. There are numerous angles, a myriad of interpretations based on whatever belief or perspective you come from. One can begin to see the experience is not about rock bottom but learning to be with the bottomless pit, allowing ourselves to freefall into the abyss with complete trust, with true surrender. We can look at the chaos in our lives, our own families/countries or globally as the systemic collapse that is needed to dismantle what has been stifling our true individuality and intrinsic human freedoms. The current events that break open our unconscious biases and make us realize how we contribute to the systemic failures such as discrimination, stigma, poverty, environmental degradation, and so on.
I wrote this today triggered by another major event in the unfolding drama of this awakening. Watching how blatantly and foolishly elected people use the current system to continue to oppress humanity. We see this happening all over the world, in every corner, every nook and cranny. But, what we are probably not seeing is why this is happening. From where I am, what I see is fear that drives the clinging, the violence, the lies, the corruption, the surveillance, the manipulation, the oppression.
Once you see this and you are able to step back, even just one step back, you are taking your energy away from the fear and clinging. When you invest your energy elsewhere, perhaps into openness, into moving towards your highest vision for yourself and humanity, into creating that world you dream of — you are releasing the fear, the clinging and going above and beyond the drama.
Yes, we feel the emotions of sadness, of pain, of anger and of fear — feel all of them fully — but not be swayed by them into helplessness, apathy, or destructiveness. Through feeling these emotions, we can feel the compassion for ourselves and for everyone suffering, including who we may deem as the enemy. It would probably be in our best interest to learn to allow the emotions to be there and then eventually release them because by doing so, we become more available to what the world needs right now. Definitely not more aggression, not more violence, not more hate or fear, or the judgment of what/who is right or wrong.
Interestingly, although we see much of suffering (especially portrayed in mainstream or social media) in many spaces around the world we also see something else — people creating change and transformation, creating safe and nurturing spaces as well as working on sustainable practices.
More and more, I feel that we are being asked to serve our chosen purpose on Earth so that we can consciously and creatively contribute or perhaps perish violently with the old ways. If we continue to cling to systems that don’t work, we may be swept along with their eventual and inevitable collapse.
Here, we are given the choice: cling or surrender. Honestly though, if you see clearly, you will realize that ultimately there is no choice and it’s perfectly ok.
There is no linear or one way to understand the Awakening needed — it will be different for each human being, it will be different for each family, community or country. It will be different but we will all go through it. We will all go through it but we might not have the slightest clue what comes next or how it would look like individually and collectively.
Perhaps what may be helpful are the following: adapting an attitude of radical acceptance, developing the skill of equanimity and discernment (clear seeing), cultivating choiceless awareness and becoming comfortable with uncertainty or groundlessness (as Pema Chodron shares eloquently in When Things Fall Apart).
When there is no other option, maybe then we can rest in conscious and choiceless awareness, as passengers here to witness life’s unfolding driven to mindful action not by the negatively-biased thought patterns but by listening to our inner authority based on our unique human design.
May you find solace in knowing that we are all suffering, and at the same time, seeing clearly that we may choose not to suffer if we let go; surrendering in complete trust and awakening to the truth of our true individuality as human beings.
Social Media: Apathy to Engagement
For quite sometime, I kept judging social media and what I perceived as entirely negative – pure evil? – even taking myself off the medium. Then, I realized this is where engagement is happening and you cannot start conversing with people if you are not even where people are. This age-old adage is a good reminder: start where the people are.
So, just a few months ago, that’s what I did. At first, testing the waters. What has it become, what is happening, what are people doing? Stalking, lurking, viewing, watching, listening, reading…and the “aha” moment came. People are actually changing lives through social media. Yes, trolls exist, and you invite a lot of negative things through your post, tweet, IG, pin, video, blog and what-have-yous but then, are we going to let dark forces win? So, that’s when I chose – I would rather engage and bring more light and love than avoid what may be a good opportunity to inspire, teach and reach out to people.
In the few months I have began this personal campaign, I have received affirmations through some people who got what I was doing, who understood what I was going for. On my birthday, a friend – more of an acquaintance – told me that she was affected by one post (related to trash/plastic and waste management) that she went ahead and changed one thing in her life to be part of the solution.
Apathy? It is a great teacher. But like all lessons – in school and in life – we eventually leave the teacher and take the learnings forward to grow and expand ourselves then share the lessons with others.
To generations who still fear social media, stop and let us take our hope-filled, positive, loving, compassionate selves to engage others and create a better community, country and world!
Apathy: A Closer Look
What does it mean to be apathetic? What does it mean to not care so much, or not care at all? Do you know?
It’s a confusing time. You have social networking sites where people seem to care about everything – from each other’s selfies, to celebrities, to societal issues and causes around the world – everyone is just in each other’s faces so much that you have to wonder, how much do they care? Do they really care?
I’ve actually decided to leave Facebook and lessen my online presence.
(Well, except for this blog. It’s always been my healing avenue, my release.)
What’s the point with social networking sites anyway? It’s all so virtual. You have everybody in there, and nobody left in real life. Everyone is so concerned about your “posts” but no one seems to care about you, or what really happens to you beyond your rantings, your quotes, your shares, your photos, and the image you’re trying to project.
People approach you like they know you, because, oh yeah, you’re Facebook “friends”. They “know” so much about your life. What do they know, really? Do they know how much lonely you are? Or do they know that your life revolves around checking their posts, or taking photos of all the stuff you’ve accumulated just so your life is always updated on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and everywhere “social”? Do they know you don’t really have friends who’ll take the time to visit you in your home because you are “always online” anyway?
I mean, what is connection? Do we have to be content with everything virtual nowadays?
So, if you ask me, what does it mean to be apathetic? This is what I think:
For me, it’s looking around and realizing that what we seem to care about is virtual, materialistic, cold and at the end of the day – not really there – nothing. Caring becomes very painful. I would rather be apathetic than care so much about nothing.
Maybe I’d rather be offline and disconnected, and open my life to people who are looking for depth, meaning and authentic connection in real life. Maybe there are apathetic people like me searching for the same thing.
Maybe this is what apathy really is when we take a closer look at it. Maybe the apathy we all feel and see is really about us wanting to connect more to our true selves and to one another.
Maybe.
Corruption and Apathy: Pervasive and Personal
I admit it. I have become corrupt and apathetic.
In this day and age, in this country and in this world – who hasn’t? Who among us have really gone out and done something concrete to fight corruption, to pursue our passions, and to care about others beyond our own needs?
Who among us can say that we have not succumbed to all sorts of excuses, delays, carelessness and a lack of attention to the little things that matter, the invisible things that affect life in the grander scheme of things?
I definitely have become less of who I used to be, in terms of passion, commitment, caring and living a life of service and purpose – to myself and to others. I have somehow become someone who “couldn’t care less,” and honestly, a few years back, I would have hated myself for this but now, I don’t.
It is sad. Very sad and frustrating indeed.
How does one dig oneself out of apathy? How does one start to become as pure and uncorrupted as one was? How do you search for the light, or switch the light “on” in the darkened spaces of your inner being? Where will inspiration come from?
It’s easy to spit answers and judgments. Equally easy to write posts on Facebook or whatever social networking site to attack someone “out there”, voicing our critiques of the shoulds and the shouldn’ts and blaming the status quo, politics, institutions and everything else, including of course ourselves.
To what end? Have we really made a dent? Have we really changed anything? Have we moved ever so closer to the life we desire and the world we want to create?
Or, have we satisfied ourselves with a virtual community, with a virtual image of the life we want – only to find ourselves and our lives devoid of real connections, depth and meaning?
Maybe it’s just me, it’s just where I am at this point. I know I’m not the only one, other people feel the same way. That’s one good step I guess, I still “feel” something. Hopefully, the next step would be to act.
When, where, how? I don’t know. Let’s leave that open for now.
Typhoon Yolanda: Of Prophecies and Karmas
Since I was a young child, my love for country has never waned – not even once. Really.
My love for my family, fluctuated. Love for boys (teenage years) and men were almost always roller coaster rides. Even the love for my pets or love for food was not as consistent as my love for country. Truth is, I just learned to love myself in the past year – but I have loved my country, the Philippines, the moment I was born. Or maybe even before birth. At least that’s how it feels like.
I could not bear the thought of leaving my country, in fact I did not join my family when they all left for Africa in 1995. I chose to be on my own, as a first year college student (16 years old), than go to Africa with them. I spent vacations visiting my family in Mozambique but only for short periods of time, the longest probably a little more than a month. It took almost two decades when I finally agreed to leave the Philippines (without any assurance of returning), to finally confront and heal my karma in Africa, a time that was very painful for me – not the karmic healing, but being away from my beloved land of origin. Alas, I found myself back after a year, last December 2012 and what was supposed to be a short and sweet vacation became what seems to be the continuation of my destiny/calling/karma – whatever you may want to call it – with the Pearl of the Orient.
January of this year, I was at the airport on my way back to Mozambique when I was stopped by Immigration and was not allowed to embark on the plane. I’ve always had problems with visas into other countries, specifically the USA and Germany, but to encounter this was just perplexing. Although I calmly took it because deep inside I felt that there was a reason that was beyond my understanding at that time.
So, what is it about the Philippines? What is it about me, as a Filipino/Pilipino? [ Although Filipino has been more commonly used, and even mandated, I am choosing to use Pilipino for the rest of this post, which I will explain later.]
You would probably understand if you are a Pilipino. This love for country is deeper than any national pride, racial supremacy or some form of attachment to identity. The “I AM” is intertwined with the “PILIPINO”, yet it does not boast nor discriminate. It just is. Stripped of everything, I can say that yes I am a human being like everyone else on the planet but I am a Pilipino human being.
This is why after centuries of colonization from the Spanish, Americans, Japanese, and some sprinkling of some other colonizers here and there, the Pilipino remains – not as Spanish, nor American or Japanese but still distinctly Pilipino. This is also why after all sorts of disasters, the Spirit of the Pilipino remains stronger than ever – precisely because it is the Spirit of the Pilipino.
PILIPINO = PILI, PINILI + PINO, PININO
Kataastaasang Babaylan Reyna Yolanda Liban Manalo, or Apo – a truly remarkable high priestess (if not powerful being) with the group Celyo Rizal – shared so much wisdom during the times I’ve been with them (pumipiling kasama nila) and would tell me time and again about the meaning of the word PILIPINO. She is a real bastion of Pilipino ancient wisdom and spirituality and maintains that the Pilipino are the chosen (pinili) people, who have gone through purification (pinino). [You may read some posts about her and Celyo Rizal in this blog.]
In all my 35 years, I’ve encountered many stories about the Philippines and the Pilipino people but what struck me the most are two things: the Karma of the Pilipino people and the Prophecy about the Philippines.
KARMA Different religions/faiths, visionaries and folktales have talked about the Karma of the Pilipino people that goes something like this: it is the Karma of the people to go through great suffering to be able to realize and eventually embrace its role in healing the world. The people of the Pearl of the Orient, like the oyster that endures the pain of that trapped sand inside its shell, simultaneously irritating and transforming the mollusk until such time that a beautiful pearl is born.
PROPHECY It has also been prophesied that the Philippines shall hit rock bottom and like the Phoenix shall rise from the ashes and be a great light unto the world. This will only happen through true transformation, when its people recognizes and embraces the greatness that is within the land and within each Pilipino – because the Philippines is the Promised Land and the Pilipinos are the Chosen People. When this happens, the Philippines will usher in a new world/life/humanity, and it will be at the center as the wealthiest country and model for others to follow. [check out one such prophecy that has just recently resurfaced: Video from Facebook]
What is equally interesting and important – the very nature of the Karma of the Pilipino as a Collective Healer and Healer of the Collective seems to trigger the karmic healing of other nations and countries. We see this slowly happening, as the international community responds more consciously in aid of the Philippines, taking responsibility and addressing the negative karma that they have incurred as a collective many lifetimes ago – like the USA, Japan, Germany – not just against the Pilipino people but with humanity as a whole.
So, amidst the tragedy that has been brought about by Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda, while I weep with my fellow Pilipinos and do what I can to help, I feel this deep sense of hope, a knowingness and complete surrender to where all this will take us. From the Million People March to the relief efforts that are creating ripples of unimaginable change and transformation — we have reached the tipping point and there is no turning back. Yes, the phoenix is rising.
Lumitaw na ang Pilipinas at tayong lahat ay papaaangat na! Sa bawat pagtawag at paghikayat sa kapwa nating bumangon at tumulong, iniaangat natin ang ating mga sarili, ang ating kapwa, ang ating bayan, at ang buong mundo.
Mabuhay ang Pilipino! Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!
Alay ko ang awit na ito:
TUNAY NA PERLAS TAYO
Original Title: SA WAKAS, PANIBAGONG PILIPINAS
Lyrics by Nex Agustin / Music by Geejay Langlois
[MUSIC] (click to listen to the song)
Mula sa mahabang pagdurusa
Kasaysayang puno ng pighati
Tila wala nang pagasa
ang bayang lugmok at lugami
Mga ninunong nagbuwis ng buhay
Mga bayaning di matapos ang laban
Paulit-ulit walang humpay
Mga problema ng bayan
Ilang EDSA pa ba ang lilipas
Ilang gobyernong sakim at gahaman
Ilang taon pa tayong magtitiis
Bago magising at matauhan
Walang likas na api’t mahina
Lahat may tunay na kagalingan
Kailangan lamang itong makita
At panghawakan
Kung anuman ang nasa labas
Salamin ng nasa loob
Kung babaguhin ang Pilipinas
Simulan sa bawat Pilipino
Tanawin sa di kalayuan
Nakasilip na pagbabago
Hinihintay lang tayong kumilos
Hinihintay lang tayong magbago
Panahon na sa wakas!
Panibagong Pilipinas
Likhain mula sa sariling lakas
Ang perlas na bayan natin
Panahon na sa wakas!
Panibagong Pilipino
Marangal, malaya’t matalino
Tunay na perlas tayo, tunay na perlas tayo
Tunay na perlas tayo!!
Obviously, I’ve got a lot of stuff to say after almost a year of silence. I do! So much has happened and life continues to amaze me. Well, first it scares and confuses me. Then, drives me crazy with all sorts of thoughts, worries, ideas, emotions and expectations that come my way. Ultimately, when I let go and just completely trust that I am going in the right direction – boom! – I find myself in paradise. Bliss! Or at least for a moment, then off I go again, in this never-ending journey. Life is full of surprises, I tell ya!
I was in Mozambique, southern part of Africa last year, thinking I’ll be there for a long time. After all, I went there to heal myself by healing the relationships with the two most important people in my life — my parents. I have read somewhere and fervently believed ever since that our “soul circle,” people who we’ve been learning lessons with during different lifetimes are those we find close to us in this life. That circle definitely includes our family members, I bet even our pets. This is why, we experience difficulties and struggles with our families. In fact, the hardest lessons seem to be connected with them. So, there I was bracing myself for a long and arduous healing process having just emerged from my deep, dark depression.
As it turned out, my parents decided to move back to the Philippines for good. Interestingly, that was right after I felt a real sense of healing between us happened. You see, I have always held on to the idea that my parents didn’t really love me, or they didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved. Mostly unconscious, I have struggled with their control (my mom) and emotional distance (my dad) by becoming rebellious, dependent and well, an ingrate.
In the span of 6 months, a lot of those ideas dissipated. I realized how much they loved me and my siblings. More than that, I realized how much parents love their children, unconditionally. Yes, they try to control us in so many ways. They have a hard time expressing themselves to us, and they don’t seem to know that it’s important for us to hear the words “I love you” often.
Before they left for Manila, I finally found and experienced the love from my parents that I’ve been shunning yet longing for all my life.
Of course, I have to clarify that the necessary doorway for me to recognize, accept and reciprocate their love was through Self Love. In the previous months leading up to that inevitable moment, I poured love – unconditional love – to myself. I gave my inner self everything I ever wanted and denied. I let go of control, and allowed myself to just be. I accepted all my flaws and forgave all my mistakes. I let go of my unworthiness and decided that I am going to be my biggest fan and my bestest friend and ally.
When my parents left me in Quelimane where I was working as a Grade 2 teacher (plus teaching Arts and Music, Swimming, Football and Computer), I still cried buckets of tears, wondering why I was still there and not going home with them. Does this mean I was healed? That I have achieved my purpose, healing our relationship? If that was the case, then, there was no need to stay, right? Apparently not. In the next months, I would learn yet again that the Universe works in mysterious ways.
To be honest, I wanted to stay because I gave my word that I would finish the school year. It was also an opportunity to learn real independence. Living on my own in another country without the family that I’ve leaned on for so long is a vital step towards true strength and selfhood. I also enjoyed the opportunity to teach values inside the classroom, Arts and Music, and Sports to children of various ages and backgrounds.
Yet, as I started worrying about legalities pertaining to my stay in Mozambique, I found myself wanting to go back to the Philippines. I also began seeing things in the school system that I did not like. The real deal-breaker however were my dreams of traveling; researching healing and empowering art forms; working with children and communities around the world and creating specific programs for them, especially those in vulnerable situations or those who have no access to creative education.
After my birthday in September, I decided that I am going back home in three months, when the school year ends. As life and the Universe would have it, I got a special surprise the following month when almost all of my travel documents were in order and I had made up my mind. LOVE. Romantic, giggly, life-changing love.
When we love ourselves enough, when we realize we are enough, the Universe sends you the “other”.
The one who doesn’t love you because he needs you. Or not the one who runs away from you when you are ready to spend this lifetime with him. Instead, you find your mirror, someone who loves himself enough to love you. Just as you love yourself enough to love him. This time, you don’t need drama and causing pain to the other is causing pain to yourself. There is only room for love in your heart. Although fears and worries still come, they remain in your head because your love finally is strong enough. He may leave, or you may change your mind and decide you’re just friends. No one is trying to control the other, or steer the course. You walk together in life, friendly, relating, supporting and loving one another.
Who would have thought I was ready for that? I certainly didn’t expect it then. When it came though, I knew it was the right one and it was the perfect time.
Naturally, I found myself in a dilemma. What about going back to the Philippines for good? Alright, I will just go home for a vacation and then return to Mozambique. Heart-wise, it was the best solution. Work-wise, an entirely different story. In the same way that I left the other school back in April, where I loved the students but abhorred the school’s system of education and treatment of children and teachers, going back to teach in the same setup would still be a compromise. Although, the second school was much better than the first one, I really felt that I wasn’t being true to myself and my passions.
After a blissful month of experiencing what it means to love and be loved, I was off to my much anticipated vacation to the Philippines. I eventually opted to return to Mozambique after the holidays, as I convinced myself that love would help me stick to an otherwise uncomfortable situation.
Arriving in the country during the Christmas break, and even until now, I realized that the drama I’ve had with my country — that sense of martyrdom mixed with idealism or perhaps karma that bonded me to the land and the people was gone. I did grow up and reached a new level of maturity, or maybe, I have truly healed my karmic wounds.
In January, as life would have it (with all the twists, bumps and turns in this journey), I should have been on my way to Mozambique but I got offloaded at the airport by the immigration officers. This was rather peculiar and frustrating, especially at that time. The immigration people were quite rude and they had this perceived authority over fellow Filipinos traveling abroad. Perhaps they were insecure and they saw their chance to show off, to have some sort of power over others. Whatever their reason, although I didn’t particularly get offended by them because I understood where they were coming from, it still threw me off. Wasting money, time and energy is very frustrating. Plus, the “douse of cold water” on plans to reunite with the beloved. However, there was an odd sense of relief, which eventually pointed to my glaring truth, or reminder: no more compromises, each and every step of the way. Creating one’s dreams into reality, in all aspects of life, requires uncompromising belief in our creative power; to fully trust ourselves, our intentions and capacities to do so.
Now, I take another step forward, toward my dreams. Dreams which include being with people I love, particularly my beloved; working with passion and purpose; and helping to create an amazing world of love, peace, hope and light.
I have learnt in my journey since 2010, when I plunged into that abyss, that whatever we see in our mind’s eye, we have the power to create. We have to be careful, though, and be very aware because that power is directly linked to our free will. We can create whatever we choose, sometimes we can create it with the speed of light, or well, as fast as digital technology nowadays. In fact most of our creations in the past have been unconscious and stemmed from varying degrees of fear and separation. It’s high time we reverse that. Luckily, we have another power at our disposal, the power to choose, to create out of love and not out of fear.
The task we have, as human beings in this day and age, is to choose how we want to live our lives. When we can clearly see that and put into practice all our highest intentions and aspirations, we will change the world as we know it, towards the world we dreamed of.
That is where I am headed, with like-minded, like-hearted people who I have met and now walk with, one empowered step at a time, every chance we get. I, rather WE, hope to see YOU there! It’s time to let our light shine and let it guide us to see the truth, that we are amazing and we can do amazing things!
I know that the best is yet to come, again and again. I trust in the Universe as I continue to listen and allow love to move me, everywhere I go. I might write more wonderful news in a few days time, a week, a month or even after another year. Experience tells me, it can only get better from here, but wisdom gained from that experience says it is better already! Where I am now (inner and outer space) is so much better than where I was before. Where we are now is so much better than where we were before. We have evolved, and we continue to evolve. For this, I am grateful, I am peaceful, I am healed, I am whole.
Thank you to all those who walk with me. Thank you dear Universe, angels, ascended masters, and all ye spiritual beings assisting us in our paths.
Stability in Flow
According to the life purpose calculator, which I deeply resonate with and accept as truth, one of my hidden callings or purposes in this life is Stability. Truly, this has been a recurring issue and challenge in my life – especially financial and emotional stability. I’ve always struggled with the balance between the ideal and the practical, the will and the higher mind. Well, of course, it didn’t really help that my heart was too scared and too closed to help out, to mediate or to actually provide synthesis and accept its role as my true center.
Before, my will or my “activeness” would be pushing me to create something, do something and make things happen, now. Passivity was something I detested. There was no saying “no” to me when I want something. Of course my higher mind, my vision of possibilities, ideas and ideals would take me to the opposite extreme. This idealism would make my will come to a full stop, question everything and make it abruptly change direction. I usually end up tired, frustrated, confused, angrier and in so much pain. I keep moving from one extreme to the opposite extreme, planting myself deep in the ground only to get pulled by my own stormy need for change and impatience with myself and with the world.
Now that my heart has opened slowly and I have somehow allowed it to be my true guide, I have found Stability in Flow. Both my higher mind (connected to idealistic and spiritual pursuits) and will (practicality and creative action) have slowly learned to Trust my heart’s guidance, the seat of my true connection with the Universe. I don’t struggle anymore, allowing my heart instead to lead me wherever I will grow, evolve and be of genuine service to others. I am equally redefining flow and stability, a more mature version of movement and structure that are anchored on spirit, love, peace and trust. Allowing the material realm to support me and my life on earth while continuously striving towards my higher Self and purpose.
I look around and I see that Nature has mastered Flow and Stability. The oceans, lakes and rivers continue to flow yet their flow is stable. The waves kiss the shore, recede and go back into the vast ocean, just as the rivers run as if they are on never-ending marathons. The wind blows, the seasons may change but we know that there will be Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Or, sunny, cloudy, windy and rainy days. Even with the stormy days in our country, the Philippines, we find stability in the fact that the season for storms come right at the tail end of our summer days.
As I flow naturally and build stability, I nurture the peace that has found its home within my heart.
What will be, will be.
Enlightenment
Last Saturday night, during my “TV schedule” (or the only day in the week that I choose to watch television), I chanced upon a new HBO Series here in Mozambique. It was right after my favorite shows here, New Girl and Once Upon a Time, aptly titled Enlightenment. The show definitely caught my attention because of the title and I got to watch two consecutive episodes. I’m not sure if it’s going to be that way for next week and the succeeding weeks, however, I have already mentally added it to my menu.
Anyway, as I watched the TV show, I couldn’t help but resonate with Laura Dern’s predicament. In most of the scenes, I felt that there were particularly interesting commentaries about one’s process of “enlightenment”. It made me reflect on my own journey and I’d like to share some things that came up for me.
The first thing that struck me was how there’s usually an element of total breakdown (usually an illness, an accident or deep depression, as in my case and in the HBO series) right before one shifts towards enlightenment. Is this really a prerequisite or a necessary doorway? The old life crumbling to give way to a new life, like the Phoenix’s spontaneous combustion in the Harry Potter movie. Throughout our lives, we’ve had these mini-breakdowns or shifts, but it seems that the “real deal” happens when there is a total breakdown. This probably means that if you’re going for the real deal, then you’d better be prepared to fully confront your fears and have an unlimited supply of courage.
Then the second one is that common need to “find oneself”, a self-imposed timeout from the world or time for oneself that can take on different forms (going to a healing center, traveling someplace alone, living in a new community), which interestingly almost always has an aspect of communing with nature (sea, forest, safari, farm, mountain).
The third commentary which I deeply resonated with, as I had experienced it myself, was about the return to the “old world”. After that profound discovery, finding one’s true self or connecting to the spiritual in us and around us, we go back to the lives we left and get “culture shock” somehow. People don’t understand us and we try to convince them to see what we have seen, trying to articulate an experience and eventually realizing that we can’t really express them in words (or at least in the language that people we are explaining it to can understand).
We then find ourselves in a sort of Jeckyll and Hyde situation, shifting from our true selves to our old selves, a roller coaster ride from extreme peace to anger and confusion, back again to calmness and love then to frustration and sadness. We are the new and the old all at the same time, moving along the spectrum of emotions and realities like a pendulum. I find this the most challenging part of the journey, and having limitless compassion for your self and for others is like wearing a safety contraption that ensures you don’t get thrown off the roller coaster.
Furthermore, there is the tendency to be righteous because we have become something that the others are not, or not yet. Of course this tendency makes it all the more difficult to convince those we are trying to get on board the “new world” because we may have the best message but we have not yet learned how to deliver the message in such a way that people can accept and fully digest it.
This third commentary that I mentioned above had been my experience before my own healing and empowerment journey. I did encounter that initial “enlightenment”, that “aha” yet it felt immature and righteous, maybe it was more surface level, a suit I wore but did not really fully imbibe. It was coming from a need, not from fullness or wholeness: the need to be right, the need to be acknowledged, the need to help and teach others, the need to be special; all pointing to that needy, unworthy, unlovable self.
At the end of the day, we may have had an enlightening experience and be awakened to our true selves or spiritual purpose but we still have to remember that it doesn’t stop there. It is an ongoing process, an ongoing journey to fully integrate the different aspects of ourselves and our lives. Our unhealed selves are longing to find wholeness, longing for true love not from others but from ourselves. This wholeness is always complete unto itself, love is always complete unto itself. So, whenever we find lack and fear in ourselves, lack and fear in others, or lack and fear in the world…maybe we also have to acknowledge that we are still in the process of healing, of becoming…like everyone else. There’s no need to be special, we already are. Each one of us is bound to find wholeness, at our own pace, in our own time. Each one of us is unique, moving along his or her own unique path.
Healing Heart
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything in this blog, or any blog for that matter. There’s just so much going on within that I couldn’t even get myself to write. Perhaps, I just wanted to honor my process, allow for things to settle and unfold.
The journey is never-ending, but I’m definitely getting the hang of it. I dove the depths, swam back up…and now I’m riding the wave. My life has turned almost 360 degrees. The reality I am in is probably the opposite of the reality I once created and had left behind.
Interestingly, as much as I’d like to scream, struggle, and run away (to the life I had, to the life of service to others and outer work)…this reality is something that I’ve also wished for. The relationship with my parents, especially my mother, is simply amazing. After all those years of arguing and fighting with her, I’ve found healing. Now, I see my parents as they are: people I love deeply, who love me deeply as well. My pain, my childhood pain has blocked this truth before. To come to this realization and see this truth now…priceless.
Many people struggle to heal their relationships with those they love, often too late to do anything about it. They continue to carry their burden for the rest of their lives; repeating patterns of mistrust, unworthiness, shame, and all the negativity that they have learned from their families of origin. I am fortunate to have found this peace and much-needed healing while my parents are alive, while I am alive. To release myself from karma and to release them as well. Most importantly, to experience their love and to share my love to them. As much as I can, as much as I am able.
I was equally fortunate to have found a deep, soul-evolving love with another. Though things did not work out, I will forever be grateful to him; this healing journey would not have transpired had I not met him. My love for him remains but it is not the kind of love that I once knew, it is not attached nor clinging. It is a spiritual love, a love that wishes for the other to be his highest self, and find his true self. The same love that now resides in me, the same love for self that lives within my heart –I wish only that for him.
This journey, my healing journey, is a journey that has opened, shattered and eventually strengthened my once closed and fearful heart. I have learned to love others…I have learned to love myself. I continue to learn to do so.
It’s not a one shot deal. Everyday I have the opportunity to cause conflict, to hate, to doubt or to be negative about others and about myself. Yet, everyday, I also have the chance to find peace, to love, to trust or to be positive about others and about myself. Everyday when I wake up, I get another chance, a new opportunity to choose how I am going to be and who I am going to be in this world. Everyday, I create my own reality. We all do.
Now, I know that I am where I need to be, although at times I’d like to be somewhere else. My heart longs to be somewhere else. Then I get reminded that my heart may long for others, may love others, but it is where it needs to be…within me.
Know thy Self. Love thy Self. To thine own Self be true.
Thank you dear Universe, thank you dear Angels and Ascended Masters for all your guidance.
Blessings of peace, love and light to everyone.
Isip, Salita at Gawa 